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The Comedian Argus Hamilton is the funniest man in America. He follows the footsteps of the great Will Rogers and writes humorous political commentary. He uses his brilliance to pop some egos without stepping on peoples toes.
He publishes an online column SIX times a week! at http://www.argushamilton.com/argus.html
The
Comedian Argus Hamilton on:
Bill Clinton
Hillary Clinton
George Bush
Congress
HollyWood
General and Miscellaneous Observations
Bill Clinton
Wimbledon
attracted Bill Clinton to the gallery at Centre Court Tuesday at the All England
Club. NBC cameras showed his head turning back and forth with each volley. Even
at a tennis match, it looks like he's denying everything.
- The Comedian Argus Hamilton
Fox
News reported Thursday that Bill Clinton can't get into any of New York's better
golf and country clubs. Not one member has been willing to sponsor him. So it's
official, he really is America's first black president.
- The Comedian Argus Hamilton
CBS
News on Tuesday had Bob Kerrey in a Vietnam scandal, Senator Bob Torricelli
in a donor scandal and Arnold Schwarzenegger in a sex scandal. This confirms
what we always knew. Bill Clinton does the work of three men.
- The Comedian Argus Hamilton
President
Clinton broke ground Saturday for the World War II memorial in Washington. He'll
never have the military's full respect. However, after surviving ten female
accusers, he's been made an honorary member of the Tailhook Association.
- The Comedian Argus Hamilton
Chinese
president Jiang Zemin met with former Bill Clinton in Hong Kong Wednesday. What
a contrast. One is a ruthless communist who gains popularity by damaging the
United States, while the other guy runs China.
- The Comedian Argus Hamilton
Former
South Africa President Nelson Mandela announced Tuesday he will begin writing
his autobiography. He spent 25 years in prison before being elected to public
office. In America, we do it the other way around.
- The Comedian Argus Hamilton
Hillary Clinton
Bill
and Hillary will spend Easter with her brothers Hugh and Tony and Roger Clinton.
They have a family ritual at all holiday dinners. After they sit down, they
hold hands, close their eyes, and get their stories straight.
- The Comedian Argus Hamilton
Hillary
Clinton ripped FBI Director Louis Freeh on Wednesday. She said she can't understand
how FBI documents could vanish and then mysteriously reappear. She has to say
that or she'd be thrown out of the Magician's Society.
- The Comedian Argus Hamilton
Hillary Clinton flew with President Bush to New York City on Tuesday. She was amazed at the changes aboard Air Force One. For eight years she believed that flight attendants couldn't wear clothes because it made the plane too heavy. - The Comedian Argus Hamilton
Hillary
showed off a new set of White House china at the mansion's 200th birthday dinner
Thursday. She said she helped design it. It's thanks to her that all the White
House china looks like it's been glued back together.
- The Comedian Argus Hamilton
Hillary
Clinton began a New York thank-you tour Friday by calling for the abolition
of the Electoral College. No wonder Arkansas never liked her. She hasn't been
in office three days and already she's an abolitionist.
- The Comedian Argus Hamilton
Hillary
Clinton will travel to Vietnam with the president this Friday. It's a fact that
at the height of the war in 1971, she tried to enlist in the Marines, but they
turned her down. Apparently we weren't that mad at the Viet Cong.
- The Comedian Argus Hamilton
George Bush
Secret
Service agents detained an Iowa man with a gun who happened to be walking in
a Des Moines park where President Bush was jogging. Were they out of their minds?
White guys with guns put Bush in the White House.
- The Comedian Argus Hamilton
The
Writers Guild strike deadline passed Tuesday with no settlement. A strike would
shut down Jay Leno, David Letterman and Saturday Night Live. When God gives
George W. Bush a good year, it lasts the entire twelve months.
- The Comedian Argus Hamilton
Jenna
Bush was cited for underage drinking in Austin Friday. Her dad warned her that
too much partying at school could cost her a good career. At $400,000, he's
making the lowest salary of any of his Yale classmates.
- The Comedian Argus Hamilton
President
Bush paid homage Wednesday to World War II veterans of Normandy at the D-Day
Memorial. Later that night, his twin daughters paid a special tribute to World
War II veterans of the Pacific. They each downed two kamikazes.
- The Comedian Argus Hamilton
Congress
Senate
Democrats vowed Sunday to kill President Bush's energy plan. They think this
is their ticket back to the White House in 2004. All they have to do now is
figure out a way to get cars to run on beautiful pictures of Alaska.
- The Comedian Argus Hamilton
Sudan
replaced the U.S. on the U.N. Human Rights Commission joining Syria, and Cuba.
So now, the commission members have no interest in upholding the stated mission
of the panel. It's just like the Senate Ethics Committee.
- The Comedian Argus Hamilton
The
White House announced on Monday the Prime Minister of Australia will visit President
Bush in September. We have a lot in common. Australia started out as a prison
colony, while the United States has evolved into one.
- The Comedian Argus Hamilton
Democrat
Dick Gephardt held a news conference Tuesday at a Chevron gas station demanding
energy conservation. He arrived in a gas-guzzling Chevy Suburban. It wasn't
as bad as it looked, he was carpooling with his driver.
- The Comedian Argus Hamilton
Ohio
went on alert Tuesday when a train with hazardous chemicals ran wild through
the state. A brave engineer leaped aboard and brought the runaway train under
control. Sounds like we've found our next FBI Director.
- The Comedian Argus Hamilton
Republican
Trent Lott Wednesday found himself the Senate Minority leader. Why not? You
figure if Bill Clinton can be our first black president, then the nation's highest-ranking
minority leader can be a white guy from Mississippi.
- The Comedian Argus Hamilton
Anne
Marie Smith flew to Washington to tell prosecutors about Gary Condit's attempt
to get her to deny their affair. It looks bad. If it's found he lied about the
intern and the mistresses, he could get 4-8 years in the White House.
- The Comedian Argus Hamilton
Hollywood
The
Country Music Awards were held Wednesday night at Universal City. The best country
songs are always about drinking and guns and love gone wrong. Next year they're
giving Robert Blake the Lifetime Achievement Award.
- The Comedian Argus Hamilton
General and Miscellaneous Observations
Virginia
Governor Jim Gilmore rescinded the state's European Heritage Month proclamation
for fear it would sound racist. It's too bad. Thus ends a month of celebrating
the 400-year progression of our nation's British culture from wood to steel
to graphite shafts.
- The Comedian Argus Hamilton
The
FBI denied Friday it intentionally withheld thousands of documents in the OKC
bombing case. You'd expect them to say that. Still, it's no accident that the
FBI's Ten Most Wanted list now includes a good file clerk.
- The Comedian Argus Hamilton
New
York Mayor Rudy Giuliani fired his wife, Donna Hanover, as official hostess
of the mayor's mansion last weekend. He's got his own idea of what a hostess
should be. He wants a little cupcake.
- The Comedian Argus Hamilton
The
U.S. Army cancelled an order for 600,000 black berets that were made in China.
It's not just that they were made by slave laborers. It's that no soldier can
feel good about himself wearing headgear from the Kathie Lee Collection.
- The Comedian Argus Hamilton
Tennis
legend Bjorn Borg appeared in a Swedish TV ad urging Swedes to have more sex
to solve the country's falling birth rate. America can help. This is a perfect
opportunity to name Jesse Jackson ambassador to Sweden.
- The Comedian Argus Hamilton
Conoco
will build a $75 million plant to see if a process to convert natural gas to
liquid fuel is profitable. It has to be. In California, gasoline is so expensive
that people are trying to run their cars on cocaine.
- The Comedian Argus Hamilton
The
Texas House refused Wednesday to bring back a bill that would have allowed jurors
to sentence convicted murderers to life in prison without parole. That's the
bad news. The good news is, as soon as the utilities are deregulated, people
on death row can choose their own electric company.
- The Comedian Argus Hamilton
West
Nile virus was diagnosed in dead crows found Monday in New York. The virus numbs
the brain and produces apathy and listlessness. The question is, how long has
Los Angeles been getting its water from the Nile?
- The Comedian Argus Hamilton
Business
Week reported on Monday that Pfizer Pharmaceuticals made $1.34 billion last
year off the sales from Viagra. The price breakdown makes sense. The average
cost of each pill is about $90, including the drinks and the room.
- The Comedian Argus Hamilton